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Zach Galifianakis Quotes

Zach Galifianakis, awsome stand-up comedian...

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
 
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
 
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
 
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
 
I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?
 
I call my balls the bush twins.
 
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
 
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
 
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
 
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh becuase he got distracted by my shoe strings.
 
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
 
My sister was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities...yesterday she called me...my caller ID exploded.
 
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'
 
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.


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